Friday, September 24, 2021

Dad Died Today-Penzu Journal-Fri. 10/30/2015 at 3:42pm

15 years have past

Dad went to heaven Battle of Cancer lost

I always remember his smile I always remember his gruff
My dad did not deserve his demise he did not deserve his fate
the good ones dont but maybe they do because god has chosen them
he has chosen them early perhaps

we dont know why? we try to figure out why? but we cant
we only can grieve we only cry, we only keep wondering??
some succumb to things, disease, self induced affliction , or just plain give up!

we dont know the answers we keep analyzing trying to figure out why??
Why were we not there? why didnt i see them one last time? what could i have done? what could i have said? what could i have done different? could i have stopped this? why didnt we see this earlier?? all questions whit No answers!

We love our family we love our past, memories but trouble can arise, how to deal how to cope?
I was 100% loyal 100% here I gave I sacrificed I was here a entire whole! Dedicated to my sons dedicated to you !

Now I see whats before me? YOU were never there well maybe sort of but not 100%
you allowed another in and accepted her more than me?? I gave your son life what did she do ??NO Comparison to me s real nut case  psyco wacko i just dont get it why torture me this way!!

sux because i keep analyzing this over & over again but you remain the same!!
wow i am at a loss for words as usual, no where to turn no where to look !
you say i love you and I am your wife i want no one else ?? but she is there somewhere some how! you mentioned id kill u before i would let u go?? is that a threat or a sick ploy??
It scared me because i have seen your violence from you, I have seen your rage against my face my body from your very hand! I never thought i would be afraid I never thought i would be scared you said you will always protect me you said im always yours!

Now I know its not real a tactic to keep me down my dad would have throttled you by now if he were here to know his daughter who he holds so dear, is in harms way by the man who says
I will take care of her always but never did oh yes monitarily yes but emotionally NO !!

Lord Hear My Prayer & I Cry!
Daddy Went to Heaven today Oct 30th 2000, He knew I was taken care of . Maybe
Now to Be known By False Promises & Lies!
This Man Who Says I Love You But had another?
I Ask Why & Why
Sick Behavior Sick Mind!! But His Heart ? Where Does His Lie!!

I Thought I Could Tell But Now I cant
Fog I Am In, Not Sure why??
Sad Really because  I have always known
The Day we Said Always & Forever
It was In My heart & 25 years later still stuck in my skin
Too Bad You Too It For granted or Did You!!

Today a day of wonders, a day of sadness, a day of loss, a day of maybe remorse, but i doubt it ? all i know, it is a month i will always & forever remember !!

October!!
Dad Left me ! October I Met You Ali , Thought You Saved Me!
Realized You Had Someone Else Too!
That Devastated Me!
Now No Where To Go Holding On But Why!!
Everyday All I Do Is Cry!!
To Make Fun Of Ones Hurt and Not Care? Very Sinister and I wonder Why!!
You Were Never That Way !!!
Memories of You Always!
caring, loving and listening to me :(
I miss that part of you why oh why did it go away!

Day of remembering day of sadness
dad left  & you left

why does so many have to go away!!
nothing remains the same unfortunately :(
my heart is very heavy today & always!!!!

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