Friday, September 24, 2021

Struggle-Penzu Journal-Tue. 8/16/2016 at 12:50pm

All Souls Weather They Be Human & Non Human
The Heart They Touch
Some Stay, A While Some Stay A Lifetime
But The Souls Who Touch Us
Good  Or Bad We Surely Learn From Them

But What Do We Learn
We Learn Love Unconditionally
We Learn Trust & Sincerity
We Learn Loyalty That's Real
We Also Learn Distrust & Betrayal
Life Lessons But Are They To Weaken Or Strengthen

With Every Battle With Every Challenge With Every Lesson
We Learn We Question We Ponder We Blame We Forgive
We Have Trials That Take Us To The Bitter End Sometimes
It Will Want To Take You Over Those Are The Tests
So How Do We Pass Or Do We Fail
It Is Up To Us
We Search & We Learn We Channel & Prevail

All Souls Are Free Of The Burdens Once They Leave
Life Has A Funny Way Of Teaching Sometimes
The Loss Is The Gain
What We See As A Loss Is A Gain To A New Life

To Be Ourselves To Love Ourselves
To Be Happy As We Are
No Impressions No Masks No Pretending
To Find Love In The Universe Love Is All Souls
Human Non Human Souls Are Souls
When They Meet When They Connect
Everlasting Love In The Heart
You Know You Feel
When You  Look Into Any Eyes
That Is The Window To The Soul & Heart
Weather Warm Or Cold Bright Or Bold
Your Can Truly See & Feel What Is Within
A True Heart Or A Black Aybis

A Shining Light Or Dark As Knight
Souls Never Lie Only The Facade Behind The Face
Covers Up Whats Lurking Inside...

Dad Died Today-Penzu Journal-Fri. 10/30/2015 at 3:42pm

15 years have past

Dad went to heaven Battle of Cancer lost

I always remember his smile I always remember his gruff
My dad did not deserve his demise he did not deserve his fate
the good ones dont but maybe they do because god has chosen them
he has chosen them early perhaps

we dont know why? we try to figure out why? but we cant
we only can grieve we only cry, we only keep wondering??
some succumb to things, disease, self induced affliction , or just plain give up!

we dont know the answers we keep analyzing trying to figure out why??
Why were we not there? why didnt i see them one last time? what could i have done? what could i have said? what could i have done different? could i have stopped this? why didnt we see this earlier?? all questions whit No answers!

We love our family we love our past, memories but trouble can arise, how to deal how to cope?
I was 100% loyal 100% here I gave I sacrificed I was here a entire whole! Dedicated to my sons dedicated to you !

Now I see whats before me? YOU were never there well maybe sort of but not 100%
you allowed another in and accepted her more than me?? I gave your son life what did she do ??NO Comparison to me s real nut case  psyco wacko i just dont get it why torture me this way!!

sux because i keep analyzing this over & over again but you remain the same!!
wow i am at a loss for words as usual, no where to turn no where to look !
you say i love you and I am your wife i want no one else ?? but she is there somewhere some how! you mentioned id kill u before i would let u go?? is that a threat or a sick ploy??
It scared me because i have seen your violence from you, I have seen your rage against my face my body from your very hand! I never thought i would be afraid I never thought i would be scared you said you will always protect me you said im always yours!

Now I know its not real a tactic to keep me down my dad would have throttled you by now if he were here to know his daughter who he holds so dear, is in harms way by the man who says
I will take care of her always but never did oh yes monitarily yes but emotionally NO !!

Lord Hear My Prayer & I Cry!
Daddy Went to Heaven today Oct 30th 2000, He knew I was taken care of . Maybe
Now to Be known By False Promises & Lies!
This Man Who Says I Love You But had another?
I Ask Why & Why
Sick Behavior Sick Mind!! But His Heart ? Where Does His Lie!!

I Thought I Could Tell But Now I cant
Fog I Am In, Not Sure why??
Sad Really because  I have always known
The Day we Said Always & Forever
It was In My heart & 25 years later still stuck in my skin
Too Bad You Too It For granted or Did You!!

Today a day of wonders, a day of sadness, a day of loss, a day of maybe remorse, but i doubt it ? all i know, it is a month i will always & forever remember !!

October!!
Dad Left me ! October I Met You Ali , Thought You Saved Me!
Realized You Had Someone Else Too!
That Devastated Me!
Now No Where To Go Holding On But Why!!
Everyday All I Do Is Cry!!
To Make Fun Of Ones Hurt and Not Care? Very Sinister and I wonder Why!!
You Were Never That Way !!!
Memories of You Always!
caring, loving and listening to me :(
I miss that part of you why oh why did it go away!

Day of remembering day of sadness
dad left  & you left

why does so many have to go away!!
nothing remains the same unfortunately :(
my heart is very heavy today & always!!!!

No Answer To Why-Penzu Journal-Wed. 9/21/2016 at 3:46pm

You Say Many I Love You's
Torture Me With The Music You Play
Words That Remind You Of Another
You Say No Way
But I See The Reaction & Gleam In Your Eye

Now Knowing The Plans You Made
The Care You Gave Another
Then Why All these I Love You's To Me

Seems To Me Its The Other One
You Should Be With
Now You Say No Way
All Those Plans & Schemes
To Put Me Through This Hurt
To Cause Me Such Pain

Cold Cold Eyes
No Feeling No Remorse
Self Absorbed & No Heart
Never To Answer The Question Why

The Pleasure You Have Seeing All The Tears That I Cried
The Pain Deep Inside
Do You Think That Gives You Power
All It Does Is Makes You The Horrid Monster
The Horrid Monster Who Hurts, Hits, Pushes
To Limits, The Limits Of Dispair, Heartache & Lonliness

Some Day There is A Way What Goes Around
Comes Around It Wont Be Me I am Not Your Judge
Hurtful Deceitful Ones Get Whats Coming
You Make Think You Stole My Happiness & Life
Your No Husband You Never Knew How To Treat Your Wife

You Took A Whore Before Your Kids
No Respect You Have & You Know Why
Never Lear Will You Because Your Patterns Still Remain
Crazy, Sad, Sick, Its Help You Need
Took Look Within Your Bad Deeds
For A Better Life That You Will Sustain

With Every Tear It Was Dried
With Every Thought of Sadness Lonliness & Dispair
There Was Comfort
With Very Bruise & Hurtful Words That Stabbed My Heart
There Was Understanding & Love & Support
There Was Counsel There Was Giving

But All These Things Were Not From You
Family, Friends, Blood Or Not
Ones Who Are Close To Me Are There
Because When You Truly Love & Care
You Hear, You Listen, You Love, You Comfort
Real Love That Is What You Do........

Why-Penzu Journal-Mon. 8/15/2016 at 4:55pm

When You Held My Hand I thought It Was Real
All Along You Held Another's
When We had Walks On The Sand You Did That With Her
All The Places We Went , things We Have Seen
All Along With You She Did Them Too

Every Day Is A Struggle While With Me  You Loved Her
How Do I go Forward How Do I Move On
Easy For You To Say Its Harder To Do
I Always Loved You, Now To Know All Of It Was Fake
Even A Wedding To Take Place That Was Maybe Not Real
I Know It Was For Me, For You Another Story

Some Days Good Some Days Bad
Heart Wrenching Pain ,Days Of Tears, Inside Pain
Where To Go From Here How To Move Forward
Dome Days Only Darkness Where Do I See The Light
You Say Its Over & There Is A Change
But I See Coming Through Your Old Ways

Where To Go What  To Do
My Life Turned Upside Down, I feel Its In Ruins
To Say Get Over It Not So Easy
When Around The Corner She lurks Looms
Wanting You Back Playing Games & How Do I Know
How Can I See A Future

Not Knowing What I Want Or Need
To Know Her Games Your Ego It Feeds
Will This Get Better When Will Hurting End
I Ring I held So Precious & Dear With Vows Made
Locked Away Not Worn When I see It Tears Flow
You Cant Even See How This Hurt Every Day Grows

Too Many Memories Here Every Corner
Every Place I Turn I Can Imagine
Kills My Heart Hurts My Soul
How Purposely The Hurt You Both Bestowed On Me
Why I Ask Why  ?? Must This Be????

Life In Limbo-Penzu Journal-Tue. 6/2/2015 at 10:00am

I Am Tired of Crying Every Day
I Am Tired Of You Treating Me This Way
Who Are You Where Did You Go
You Not the Same Never Hardly Nice
Always Calling Me Dirty Names

My Heart Hurts Always It Never Changes
When Will It End When Can I See the Real You Again
Is that A Lost Hope Am I just Fooling Myself
Fooling Myself Into Thinking the Old You Is Somewhere
Somewhere Deep Inside Underneath All That Sinister
Deep Inside Maybe Never To Be Found Again

I Am Alone Again I Feel No Connection No Real Love
Never To Talk Always You Mind Somewhere Else
On Someone Else? Why Then Why Do You Keep My Here
Why Am I Still By Your Side ?
I Have Talked I Have Written I have Cried, I Have Prayed
What Is The Answer What To Do Why Was It All Taken
Why Can't I Have The Real You

What Have I Done Wrong What Am I To Do
I Live Every Day In Limbo No Knowing
Lost Again and I Don't know How to Get Where I Am Going
A Whirlwind of Change & Events Almost 9 Years Married
Twenty Five Of a Lifetime, Half A Decade, Of What Lies?
I Thought I Was Enough I Put Myself A Side
I Raised Two Amazing Sons I Kept a House Given You What You Wanted
Or So I Thought ?? Now To Live Every Day With Tears In My Eyes
Heart So Heavy, Some Days Are So Very Dark ,
The Only Think That Makes Me Forget Just a Little Bit

Seeing The Ocean The Fun Atmosphere Of The Beach
Beach Community That Is My Dream It Was Ours But Is It Gone
I Have Been By Your Side Always , To Shove Me Away
Make Me Hurt Make Me Cry, Not To Even Care WHY???
What & Where Is The Future I Try To Think Hope Have Faith
Is It All For Nothing?? The Names Hurt They Cut Like a Knife
I Have Never Done Such Hurt To Anyone Why Is It Happening to me
I Have Tried I Have Loved With Everything All I Have Done
All I Have Worked For All Of A Sudden Is In Not Meant to Be

Seems Always & Forever Suddenly Got A Little Shorter
When You Give Love Show What It Means Even In Your Skin
To Take It For Granted & Not Realize, Just How Important
My Love is, To Think I Didn't Mean Anything I Have Ever Said
Is Wrong I Have Given You The Proof & Sacrifice
Can You Say The Same, By The Actions You Took Selfish Ways
Breakes My Heart Over & Over Again Day After Day!

Souls-Penzu Journal-Wed. 8/17/2016 at 3:28pm

All Souls Weather They Be Human & Non Human
The Heart They Touch
Some Stay, A While Some Stay A Lifetime
But The Souls Who Touch Us
Good  Or Bad We Surely Learn From Them

But What Do We Learn
We Learn Love Unconditionally
We Learn Trust & Sincerity
We Learn Loyalty That's Real
We Also Learn Distrust & Betrayal
Life Lessons But Are They To Weaken Or Strengthen

With Every Battle With Every Challenge With Every Lesson
We Learn We Question We Ponder We Blame We Forgive
We Have Trials That Take Us To The Bitter End Sometimes
It Will Want To Take You Over Those Are The Tests
So How Do We Pass Or Do We Fail
It Is Up To Us
We Search & We Learn We Channel & Prevail

All Souls Are Free Of The Burdens Once They Leave
Life Has A Funny Way Of Teaching Sometimes
The Loss Is The Gain
What We See As A Loss Is A Gain To A New Life

To Be Ourselves To Love Ourselves
To Be Happy As We Are
No Impressions No Masks No Pretending
To Find Love In The Universe Love Is All Souls
Human Non Human Souls Are Souls
When They Meet When They Connect
Everlasting Love In The Heart
You Know You Feel
When You  Look Into Any Eyes
That Is The Window To The Soul & Heart
Weather Warm Or Cold Bright Or Bold
Your Can Truly See & Feel What Is Within
A True Heart Or A Black Aybis

A Shining Light Or Dark As Knight
Souls Never Lie Only The Facade Behind The Face
Covers Up Whats Lurking Inside...

Thursday, September 23, 2021

Pain Free-Penzu Journal-Fri. 3/11/2016 at 2:00pm

You Live Life With No Care
Never Thinking Of Who You Hurt Along The Way
Promises Never Kept, Always Trying to Get By
It's Always Another Day

Escaping Your Deeds, escaping the real truth
That Lies deep inside
How Did I become A Casualty
Why Did You Pick Me?
To Suffer At Your Hand, Why Am I Still A Victim At Your Hand

Does the answer lie within me< How can that be?
I have never asked for this, I loved you with all my heart
At the time thought you were real, thought you cared
When you said "I Love You"??

But Little did I know you said that to another??
Now Knowing this my heart is broken crushed beyond repair.
You Keep reeling me in but to no avail the same song plays
The same things happen, Its your same ways.

Time To Break Free! Time To Say Good Bye
For My Own Heart My Own Mind for me to be set free,
cant take no more, the thread is broke
you said you saw my pain but do you really?? you tried you said you would
you said i can see your pain in your eyes in your face
so way continue the hurt why put me in this place?

At this stage of life I am wondering how do i wan my life to go
the plan I am ready to develop? How from out of nowwhere??
Never done this before ?

How to Start is the question? I keep asking All I know is I No Longer want the
bullshit, no longer want the anger only happiness only love
I dont know where is hear is if its with me or her or loyalty only he knows in his own heart in his own mind only for him to know not me?

All I know is the pain I want to be free!

Window Souls-Penzu Journal-Wed. 11/16/2016 at 5:49pm

Your Eyes Are The Window To Your Heart
More Open The Window Is
Reveals The Soul

Many Windows Many Souls Good Or Bad
Only You Feel Through The Eyes What Is Real
Links To The Heart